Sunday, January 04, 2004
Hi again mad crazy insane pple... ^^
I shall be doing a spoof on iggie’s the revenant…haha Gerard says he wont mind…well I hope he doesn’t.
And now to begin…
The full moon shone upon the forest casting a moonly glow over the once green now brown, obviously, foliage which was recently trampled by a bunch of olifaunts. An unnatural silence hung over the trees cos practically everything was dead. So quite obviously the chirping of crickets was absent and etc etc etc. it was the darkest hour of midnight. Right. And the moon is shining like the sun. right.
Once there was A PERSON!! He shattered the silence by trampling the leaves and the twigs. Insensitive brat. Absolutely no sense of consideration at all. His mother should smack him. He appeared into the clearing, cursed about the stupid moon and retreated back again.
‘CUT!! REDO!!’
‘aaaww man!!’
‘dammit.’
-zipping forward thru time. Let’s give a moment to thank lobsang lubb, the son of time!!-
…appeared into the clearing and stared at his clothes.
Guy: stupid pple thinking about clothes all the time…its not im very handsome…am i? –ego ego-
Bits of cloth hung onto the stranger and he cursed about stupid pirated clothing who CLAIM that their clothing can withstand all weathers and time no worries and if you buy it now you’ll get a free rag!!
Well on with the story.
The clothing was supposed be be silk. Well, he ASSUMED that it was silk. He dint want to be thinking of wad else he could be wearing on his body. It was painful.
His hair, once finely cut with a beeg mixing bowl as a model, was curling around his shoulders. He whacked one strand off.
A tiny snake was seen whee-walling through the air. It later crash landed into a river and became the first anaconda of this earth but that’s not my story today.
His face, pale by the moonlight…well of course its pale by the moon light its not like the moon is blue or something…its not red too…is it? And his cheeks were gaunt and sunken.
Guy: ‘cos. I dint eat for a week to get into this role.
He had a name. It was an abysmal one. I mean who’d call their son ‘Margaret, please note spelling and oh damn it’s a boy’?
Therefore, he had forgotten it as quickly as possible and then killed his parents and took on a new name, Also Known As.
But it did not matter now. He was sick and bloody well damned tired and he STILL had this stupid shot to do. Life was tough.
Anyway, he dint remember aka now. His hand, well fake hand to be exact, he’s quite pudgy, thin and skeletonal, -we pinched it off the corpse- held onto the notched bloody sword for dear freaking life. Well OF COURSE HE’LL hold it on for life, he’s been starved for a week mate. He needs to eat.
And then he glazed with his coloured black contacts, rendering him almost blind, onto the piece of rope which-
‘SHUT UP!!!’
sorry man. Tis not my fault.
‘now be nice and on with the story. Shut up on us being homicidically poor and eating corpses.’
Very well.
And he glazed up with his coloured black contacts onto the –ahem supposedly- twisted corpse lying before him.
He did the only unimaginative thing a twit of this earth would do.
He kicked the ‘corpse’ and it flew to a nearby bush.
‘CUT YOU INSIGNIFICANT IDIOT!! CUUUUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!!!’
‘wad?!’
‘SOMEONE FIND ME AN …AKA NO 4!!’
‘but but…im aka no.3!!’
oh dear.
‘DIIIIEEE!!!’
the director stabs aka no.3 and he dies. They move him into position. Already mouths are watering.
‘food-must-leave-alone….’
‘ALRIGHTEE THEN. ANNNDDD… ACTION!!’
‘…ddaaahhh… im aka no.4…’
‘dammit.’
***
alrightee then. Are we ready? Do we have yeses?
‘yeah. You can begin the narrative now. I need a vacation.’
There there.
Ahem.
The events came back to him in a rush. He had to duck and then cower frantically but they dint stop. They hovered about him going –FEED ME FEED ME------
Oh dammit. Wrong story.
‘let’s try again…’
in a rush the events came back to him. He cowered frantically but they hovered over him, entering him one by one. There there…can you see? Very good special effects… wait…oh gawd. They had GHOSTS?!!
Wadever.
The thing or wadever had occurred here an eon ago. But the pain…oh gawd is that ghost going to-
Yep. He stabbed him.
‘CUT!!!’
‘…ddaaahh…is dat my blood…’
‘GET ME AKA NO.5!!!you. we had a bargain. No stabbing of humans while on deck!’
BUT WE ARE GHOSTS, MATE.
are you alright?
‘no. I need a vacation. NOW.’
Okay, ahem, however the twit did not feel them anymore. Oh how coincidental. ^^
He was back at home. The child had just fallen down the ceiling and the woman was looking over that tiny fact.
‘you IDIOT. If you go…I will chop you into 230 pieces and fry them and THEN feed them to the ducks!’ in contrary to the brimming tears, the woman was fat, had a chopper knife and was PISSED.
‘but mom!! Its my JOB. I have a DUTY.’
Ps~ this is his other mom. This mom knows him as aka.
‘then ME?!’
‘uh mom…you’re great about the house.’ Oh. Damn. He wasn’t supposed to reply.
-cancellation-
however, before he could come up with any sorry excuse, his mom thrust her arms into him, wanting to give him a hug, BUT she is a 10000 pound woman.
He coughed.
‘uh..mom..i cant breathe.’
‘Sorry dear. But you know, that purple shade really really suits you.’
‘SAH!’ a young green wood elf frolicked up and saluted. ‘the troops are ready for the fehadikagen*, SAH!’
he coughed again. Once more, mom had to wait for her milk. The scales of life tipped towards duty and life without her screaming at him once every 5 seconds. And thank god for them scales.
*investigation of the death of flowers, sah!
The wood elves stood at attention before him. Their eager eyes going in all directions, making them look like energetic bees that got stuck in their heads. The elves also held their breaths and stood chest out, making them look more and more like flowers.
He coughed.
They started breathing again. Couple of the more purplish flowers disappeared from his view. Mother Earth freaked out.
A haddock whizzed past him, grazing his hat.
‘I DINT KNOW THEY WERE USING FISH!! OH DAMN!’
a second kipper flicked past him, exploding onto another Flower. The bones got caught in one of his fingers and it burst into blood, staining his only shirt.
Whirling, he drew his poker from its sheath and threw it away. Apparently mom did the packing today. He then stopped and attempted to recover his poker. Wad. A poker was better than no poker.
Uruk hais clad in pink flowery designs similar to the tutu of the ballet twirled around, poking people with their horrifying leaps of faithé.
Descending into the scene of chaotic ballet like a furious teacher of Doom and weaving through the battle with ease, he tripped once. No wait. Twice.
A sharp sting caught him at the back and he wrenched out the same snake that he flicked off in the first place. –refer to the one about the hair-
It was now humungous.
His scream echoed through the battle and his world of pivoting uruk hais faded into grey…
‘ANNNDDD CUT!’
‘wheeeow.’
‘oh they were lovely oh how perfect… -sobz-’
there there.
‘oh okay..let’s push our luck.’
He awoke up in a clearing. recognizing the pink and white garb of the Pallet Bar (Pelle bar), he focused his eyes and stared right into……. a foot.
‘zalk zo zhe fooz bro, cos zhe ears ain’z liszening.’
‘WTF?!’
‘YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS YOU UGLY WADEVER YOU ARE….YOU EVIL SCUM YOU!!! Oh hello dear.’
He could have died of embarrassment.
An uruk hai approached him and smiled his funny smile.
‘God dag min venn. La oss lek et spill.’
‘eh?’
‘ER DE LYTTER TIL MEG?’
‘wad?’
‘Oversetter, nå!’
‘huh?’
‘coming coming. Wad. Oh another common speech guy. Wait wait…he said…’-consults paper- ‘good day my friend, let’s play a game and are you listening to me and uh…translator, now!’
the translator coughed nervously. The uruk hai was tossing two small vials of liquid half heartedly.
‘okay. He gives you these two vials. Both are poisons, like duh. He’s a poison expert.’
The uruk hai shook a small vial in his face, smashing it right up his nose. The whole vial shattered.
‘oops,’ The uruk hai burped.
The translator buried his head in his hands.
‘right right…so you get this bottle… the minor venom. The lady there,’ here he coughed again. ‘gets the other lethal one.’
‘BUT I DINT EVEN CHOOSE!! WAD KIND OF FREAKING GAME IS THIS!??!’
‘an unfair one.’
He couldn’t face his mom. She was about to die kicking and screaming at least. Not old and pathetic. The worst kind of death, she said.
‘OI!! GET UP!! YOU IDIOT!! YOU FORGOT THAT I GET BITTEN BY AT LEAST 45 DIFFERENT POISONOUS SPECIES WHILE WORKING AROUND THE HOUSE!!’
he stood up, ready for one more of her bone crushing hugs when her fat face turned blue.
‘oh…dammit.’
His mom fainted on him.
THE SCUM OF THE EARTH HAD SHOT HIS MOM!
‘CUUUTTT!! That was wonderful!! Wonderful!! Absolutely wonderful!!’
and are we gonna get a raise?
‘cos not.’
Damn.
***
okay people people! Places! Acting in…
‘you the director?’
err no.
‘so?’
fine fine you direct.
‘thank you. Annnnddd ACTION!’
but he was interrupted from his mourning, -coughyeahrightcough- as another fish whizzed past and lodged itself in a nearby tree which immediately wilted.
It was a swordfish. Understandable in these circumstances. –look up mr. marlin at this site-
Fish flew-well they flew technically but you get wad I mean- and pple screamed hell and fury as the wood elves launched their second attack.
‘thank god. About time too.’
‘sorry SAH! Was distracted by flying fish, SAH!’
The uruk hai who smashed the poison into his face danced silently away, seen and ignored by all as he twirled his way to freedom with the shadows.
‘psst…are shadows nice?’
‘beats me.’
Oi director looking…
‘hell.’
aka had gone after the uruk hai for days, listening hopelessly to his version of swan lake, in which the lake of ice cracked and devoured the swan princess and burped out her feathers sastifyingly, sniffling out the idiot who ruined his last dinner. his mom was supposed to be making it for him. days became months, months became years, years became...wtf.
right. anyway you get wad i mean. and still he plotted the death of the bloody uruk hai. technically he wasn't bloody but you know... ^^
in the end. he was just a bloody old guy hell bent on world destruction and yada yada yada...bloody hell who the heck arranges these scripts?
right right right sho he became an old guy he got trashed by time -give it up for lobsang~!- and time repaid him duly. he wasnt interested in love. like duh who in the world who be interested in a guy that was only interested in killing his mom's killer. i mean, sheesh! he felt no anger he felt no love blahblahblah blah. he felt only the urge to kill his mom's killer. he gave a new meaning to the phrase 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. he chilled his blades in freezers.
so basically he was vengence. mabbe maiev and him should get together.
and as he gazed to the -ahem- corpse again...okay okay okay... corpse. its a bloody decent corpse with flies and ek cetra. okay?
'good.'
thank you.
okay sho he gazed at the corpse using his coloured black eye contacts. yeah. and then he thought, 'bloody hell how long am i supposed to be acting anymore as this person-'
'CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!'
'WTF!!'
'YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CURSE. YOU. ARE. NOT. SUPPOSED. TO. CURSE!!'
'WTH THEN?!'
'NOO!'
'w00t?'
'NOOOOOOOOO!'
eerrr it means the same thing anyway.
'SHUT UP!!'
'DID I ASK YOU!!'
right. i shall keep mercifully silent.
2 hours later...
right they have finally asked me the all knowing narrator wad the hell did the actor do wrong. i politely pointed out that the actor had thought things that he wasnt supposed to be thinking and THEN it blew up again.
great.
right that's it im taking over.
can we have an aka. no...uh..wad number are we on now?
'six your royally all knowing narrator.'
thank you. someone get aka no. 6! y'know will the pple ask if our characters keep changing faces?
'we'll say that they went for plastic surgery, your lordship narrator sir.'
ah right. how convienent.
'yeah.'
-couple of seconds later-
do they have plastic surgery at that time?
'dunnoe.'
okay pple...action, action...where's the bloody translator...
'here. here. and my name is not bloody translator its sylvia.'
you gay?
'no.'
then?
'IM A FREAKING WOMAN!'
really? whoa. that brings the total cast of women in our crew as 2. i guess ill have to do a credits rolls later.
right...anddd action!
'hey wad happened to the director and aka no. 5?'
ill say that they're currently -quite busy-.
'cool!'
and he thought, that his vengence in a cold plate was finished. sheathing his poker, he took out a tiny mushroom decorated with sparkly bits like the stars.*
* called the aihef, this is one of the most potent mushrooms ever to roam the earth. and i mean roam. it crawls around, forcing pple to eat it. pple who DO eat it, face death by disembowelment. literally. they fart all their organs out. very painful.
animals started howling.
...
HOWL!
-whining all over the place-
much better.
he then took a knife from the dead guy's body and started cutting the mushroom up delicately.
bringing out a plate of spaghetti-
'do they have spaghetti that time?'
beats me.
-he sprinkles the mushroom bits all over the cold dish.
retreating back to his camp, he waits while the tomato ketchup boils in a tiny minute frying pan.
'rock and pool ish nice and cool so juicy sweet all we wish to catch a fish so juicy SWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTT!!!'
every animal in the vicinity scrambled for dear life. pouring out the hot sauce into the cold dish, he raises a cup to the heavens.
'this one's for you mum.'
he gulps the drink, cup and all and devours the spaghetti, eating it with relish.
'ooh momma.' he smiles, patting his stomach. this was one of his mom's oldest recipes.
***
okay aka died already...hellloooooooooooooooooooooo?!
good.
right....credits....ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!
-cheesy music rolls about. think happy tree friends.-
la la la la la la la la la la la la !!!
director- unknown someone -honestly! that's his name!-
narrator- wikkyu abitode
CAST- aka no.1 ~chocolate bunny (deceased)
aka no. 2/corpse ~pikka chuu (deceased, he was replaced by a piece of rope)
aka no. 3/corpse ~cheese jesse (deceased)
aka no. 4 ~slate 'dah' silter (deceased)
aka no. 5 ~clapton elfsson
aka no. 6 ~eric wen kellypop
uruk hais ~kefa, befa, kinde, ghin, finre, lok, wert, tearn, huy, fluffy, meekinia, keniaoh, 'cor!', rid bits, kiay, hoj, qert. (all are real uruk hais btw)
ghosts- yuku, jonsson, ghoodo, vidaboom, celsee (real ghosts too. all deceased)
child -kindi comer
aka(s)'s mom- ying yan pom
liutenent wood elf- yut who
wood elves- the politically correct wood elvesie choir of the flowers
norweigian uruk hai- caption exclamation mark -found it on a keyboard and took it as his official name-
translator- sylvia furrnes
CREW- cameramen~ unknown, wikkyu, cheese jesse, johnny 'dah' burton, clapton elfsson, eric wen kellypop, jonsson, sylvia furrnes, yut who, celsee
spolighters~ please press and hold down the ctrl key, high light the above, press the key 'c' and then move the cursor to after the word 'spotlighters' and press 'v'. done.
practically everything else~ wikkyu. being the narrator, he was officially omnipotent
props have been sponsored by spandex space
special appearances- lobsang lubb, the son of time
Disclaimer : all the pple here are fictionous. if your name is up there, its not my fault that i can actually dream up real pple. no plants or animals were injured in the filming of this movie but i cant say the same for their hearing, that first anaconda and all the fishes and flowers, and the unfortunate aihef, which we stole from a protected park, since aihefs are officially extinct.
anyway, for anyone who wants to know, the title of the movie is 'THE BOY WHO GREW UP AND DIED BEFORE HE ACTUALLY DID'
and thanks to iggie, who wrote the original story, and to gerard, who was very enthusiastic about this, god knows why and to blogger, who helped me published this. hahhha. yeah right.
and huggies to everyone who read this!! ps...you DO know huggies is a diaper brand right?
Posted by norbert at 1/04/2004 07:14:00 PM